Insecure.

Insecure is the title of a song by Jazmine Sullivan and Bryson Tiller. Would highly recommend to be honest. Well I’ve been watching a lot of Rom-Coms (shocker there right) in lieu of preparing for my study tour tomorrow in Berlin! Gotta always be a studious student know ya know even when you’re abroad. Well this topic is about insecurities as my mysterious title alluded too.

I realized that everyone has insecurities. That’s what make rom-coms so damn successful they’re relatable! I just wasn’t fully aware of my own. Don’t get me wrong I’ll be the first one to point out my faults and attempt to improve that. However I didn’t realize how insecure I could be about things.

Going abroad doesn’t magically brush away all of our problems and insecurities. We’re still inhabiting the same mind, body, and soul. That’s a lifetime commitment regardless of geographical location.

Well one of my insecurities is caring so much about how I’m perceived by others. I like to come off as this person who’s got it all together and knows what they’re doing with their life. I even tell people that I’m struggling just like everyone else candidly whenever I can. Well the news is that

I’m a perfectionist.

Not just in my academic and professional endeavors but many other capacities of my life. It’s a dual edge sword that’s brought me much success and turmoil simultaneously.

I have a way with words that’s what I’ve been told for a very long time in my life. I freak out when I’m at a lost for words as those close to me could attest to that.

Friends and family think I’m having the time of my life while here in Denmark. For all intents and purposes I should be and I am. However my heart still resides in the states and at school. I can’t help the feeling of being so intimately intertwined with the lives and memories of people back home. The feelings go dormant for a while but they can come rushing back at any moment. Something that contributes to that is social media.

I love social media.

It’s a way for me to use the platforms to spread love, positivity, and happiness to everyone. We all desire and need that from ourselves and each other. However I do enjoy the affirmation that I get from my peers and friends whenever I say or show something that’s important to me.

I guess I have an inner attention whore within me. Who would’ve thought the kid who was scared of his own shadow growing up would become a huge extrovert? Stranger things (I should watch that sometime) have happened.

Well someone who means a lot to me suggested ‘how about taking a break from social media. Chill out, just enjoy being in the present. Take it one day at a time.’ Well it’s been three days now and I feel strange.

Going ghost is challenging for me. It’s something I haven’t thought or considered in years.

Anxiously waiting for the magic or next big thing to happen. I’m doing amazing things right here and right now.

We all are amazing. That’s not a pick me up that’s a fact.

You reading this right now, you rock. You’re awesome and I’m mean that.

I’m rooting for you.

I don’t give compliments and encouragement for the sake of doing so. I’m not doing it to get brownie points. I do it because we need to be told that more often. Many of us have numerous negative things to say about ourselves but are very stingy with positive things.

I just want to balance the scales. Before we tip over the edge because we’re our own biggest antagonists.

I know I’m a lot. I have a very large presence that can be intimidating and overwhelming to be around at times in good and bad ways. All I ask is to be given an honest chance.

Give me time, please.

I have a lot of insecurities to work on but I’m up for the challenge. Think we can do this? I’m confident in the unknown future. I have many great role models that I look up too.

I’m not perfect. That’s okay. My crooked smile has gotten me pretty far in life so far though ;).

Somedays I’m that dashing devil in the picture and other days I look and feel like hell. I’m human and that’s more than enough.

If I have to give up the social media hype train to get what I truly want and desire.

So be it. I’ll wait and let the universe do it’s job.

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